What Planet Are You From?

 Ever heard the statement that men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Well I'm a Venutian sentenced to life on Mars. At first I didn't think it would be so bad. I worked hard at learning the language so that I would be able to communicate. Unfortunately, Martians only communicate with a series of grunts. They all sound alike, and I'm still having trouble distinguishing the difference between them all.

Martians also act strange. They're very touchy. There's a lot of slaps and punches and kicks. The most confusing thing, though, is that all this physical contact seems to happen whether they're happy or angry. And they usually end up headed to the emergency room either way.

I've noticed that Martians' senses are different. Take their sense of sight. They can spot a deer a thousand yards away in a stand of trees, but they can't see clutter in the living room, even when they literally have to crawl over it to get to the bathroom.

Their sense of smell is very different too. They can produce some pretty unique smells. In fact, I think this is where the phrase "toxic masculinity" came from. But they don't seem to be able to smell the stench that they produce. However, if I'm painting my nails or coloring my hair, they can smell it while they're still in the driveway.

The hearing of Martians is fine-tuned to certain pitches. For instance, they cannot hear when a spouse or mother asks them to take out the garbage. Repeatedly. They can hear if a female is in danger, and they will come running for that. However, they know if a scream is from true danger or from seeing a spider. They will not necessarily run to help if the scream is caused by a spider.

I was warned before traveling to Mars that Martians do not have moods, but I have found this to be untrue. They do tend to get a little moody although it's not always easy to see why. Sometimes it might be a the failure of a favorite sports team or the personal failure of a goal or quest. Whatever the reason for the mood, there is one rule on Mars that is followed above all others:  We do not discuss feelings. To even hint at breaking this rule will get you banished from Mars forever.

It has been rumored that each Martian only has one pair of shoes, but this is also untrue. They have seventeen pairs of sneakers and athletic shoes. There's the running shoes and the weightlifting shoes and the old black ones and the new black ones and ... well, you get the idea. There's also the hunting boots and the winter boots and the cold weather boots (yes, those are two separate things!) and the duck hunting boots and the fishing boots ... I think the one pair of shoes rumor comes because they have one pair of shoes that they wear whenever the situation is such that they can't wear athletic shoes or boots. Also, all shoes must be stored either in the living room, or in a huge pile just inside the door.

I'm trying to use my time on Mars wisely. Because Martians do occasionally run into Venutians, I try to help them understand how to communicate between cultures. It's an uphill battle, especially since Venus mostly runs on feelings while Mars avoids them at all costs. But I keep trying.

At any rate, I'm surviving and even thriving during my time on Mars. But I sure could use a day trip to Venus. At least long enough to do my nails and color my hair.

And maybe have a discussion about my feelings.