He Said, She Said

I have spent the past thirty-one years sharing my life with the original Indiana Jones, and I've been raising our five sons for the past twenty-eight years. That amount of time has allowed me an up close and personal look at the way males view things. Once I got past the shock and horror of this knowledge, I realized that I am in the unique position of being able to interpret male thoughts and actions that are incomprehensible to most females. I thought I'd share a few of these insights with you.

Say you and your husband pass another woman in a store or a restaurant and you make some kind of a comment to your husband about her. (I don't like her dress, shoot me if I ever try that color on my hair, etc...) Your husband responds by saying, "You're prettier than she is." Here's what's going through each of your minds:

She:  I never asked if I was prettier. Why would he say that? Does he think I'm insecure? Does he think I'm comparing myself with her? Is he comparing me with her? If I'm prettier, does that mean he thinks she's pretty? Is that his idea of beauty? Does he hate the color of my hair?

He:  I gave her a compliment. Brownie points! Is that a squirrel?

You've been concerned about your child all day long. He doesn't seem as energetic as usual, and he has a runny nose. You share this observation with your husband when he gets home.

She:  Do you think he's teething or is he getting sick? What color is his snot? Does he feel warm at all? Does he feel too cold? Is it too cold in here? Should I turn the air conditioning down? Am I causing us to spend too much on our electricity so that we can't afford to take our son to the doctor to get checked out because I think he might be getting sick? I think I must be a terrible mother!

He:  I don't want to touch him if he's getting snot all over everything. Is that a squirrel?

You know your husband never remembers important dates, and you don't want to spend all of Mother's Day being angry that he forgot, so you gently remind him that Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday. He responds by saying, "Did you get my mom a card?"

She:  Your mother?!?!? What about me? Don't I deserve a card? Am I that terrible a mother that he thinks of his mother before he thinks of the woman that gave him all these kids? Do my children think I'm a bad mother? Does his mother think I'm a bad mother?

He:  Did she get my mom a card?

Your anniversary falls on a Wednesday. Your husband is traveling home from a trip that day, plus you have church that night. You're going to go away overnight the following week to celebrate your anniversary, but you suggest to your husband that you also go out to dinner the day after your anniversary to just at least acknowledge the day. Your husband says, "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

She:  Whatever? That's all our anniversary is worth to him now? Is our marriage in trouble? Are we falling out of love? Do I need to get some self-help books about keeping the romance in our marriage? Am I letting myself go? Should I get a gym membership? Do I need to lose a few pounds?

He:  What did she say we were having for dinner?

Remember that men in general are not very subtle so what they're saying is what they're usually thinking. And the one rule above all others is this:  don't ask what they're thinking unless you really want to know. And in most cases, you probably really don't want to know.